So, I'm resurrecting sathiel (haha) as a journal for developing my dark fantasy novel The Maverick. And, since I'm on break, I've decided I should actually do some writing. So, I'm hoping to get some work done on it. If anyone wants to track my progress or help workshop pieces as I get them done, feel free to add sathiel as a friend.

Damn, I was going to say Twilight, but too many people beat me to it. ;)

No, really, you should look up lists of banned books... It's pretty hilarious what is on some of them.

I really see little point in trying to shield people from things. And people's views on what is "appropriate" are so varied. Okay, maybe erotica wouldn't have a place in a high school library. But I don't think literature should be banned simply because it has controversial content.

We shot a short film last weekend, in which I played a creepy old woman who kidnaps children. (Whee!)

Had a bit of a rough start involving some makeup frustrations, but it got better as the day went along. It turned out to be pretty fun.

Note to self: when going up to the mountains or filming outdoors (or both) be sure to bring extra socks and/or shoes. I went traipsing through a chilly little creek on several different takes and very nearly got frostbite. (Seriously, I couldn't feel my toes. I feared I would take off my sock and find them all black and blue. *cringe*) I took off my left sopping wet boot while driving because I thought my toes couldn't stand that cold environment anymore. I wisely chose not to attempt to remove the right one. ;)

Here's some pics of me as an ugly old woman on location and some from when I was practicing my makeup a few nights before. I think the practice version came out better. With the prosthetic nose and latex added, it made it hard to blend the makeup. But, it still turned out alright. Will have to wait and see how it looks on video.

( Pics... )

Here are some pics of me in my Halloween costume. I was a gothic lolita. I made everything except the gloves, stockings, and shoes. :)

( Pics... )

I'm going to be a gothic lolita. :) Just finished up my costume and matching purse. It was a pain at times, but it came out super cute. I shall post pictures after I take some.

Stealing this meme:

Post a picture in my comments that you think describes me when you think about what/who I am. No matter how surreal or plain. Give no written explanation. Just an image.

You know, I still get embarrassed when I talk aloud in a group. In class, it's actually gotten easier. I can say to myself, "I'm intelligent. I have thoughts about literature, I have ideas and opinions about this." And I can voice them, and it isn't so bad. But I noticed in acting workshop that I put something forth and I could feel people paying attention to me, and my face flushed afterwards. I guess I feel like I'm not very knowledgeable about it... I worry that what I see, how I feel about something isn't the same as what others do. I worry that it's not "right." But it's an art, yes? There is no right. But I feel like, if Brian notices something or others do and I see something different, then I must not be getting it. Did you feel it that time? Um... no?

I think that's a way of thinking that's been with me awhile... If I say something, put an idea out, and others disagree, then it's wrong, it's not valid. I'm stupid or something for coming up with that, for seeing it that way. So then the next time, I'll think twice before I say anything. I was always afraid of raising my hand in class, even if I knew the answer. I was afraid of speaking up. I was afraid of being heard. And maybe that's why I'm afraid of showing the real me, because I'm afraid it won't be accepted, it will be invalidated. So I put forth a front that's acceptable, that's pleasant and agreeable. People will accept that and like me. But I still feel like they don't really know me. And I somehow feel that the real me wouldn't be accepted... even though I see those things in others and feel drawn to them because I can relate to them, because they are open and vulnerable and showing their true, hurt self. I want other people to know me... I don't know why I'm so afraid of showing them. Because I'm not strong, because I am fragile, I'm sensitive, and I take things to heart. And I'm afraid of being crushed.

Aw, my mom had already written my grandma's birthday on the calendar. She would've been 93 this month. Not sad, it just has a certain poignancy to it.

Well... I won 2 tickets to see Dream Theater and the rest of the Progressive Nation tour Tuesday night. :) Had a hard time finding someone to go with me on such short notice (I'd gotten an email the day before), but someone in my acting workshop was a Frank Zappa fan and was more than happy to come along. :) We missed the first couple of bands, cause we were recording scenes in the workshop that night, but our coach kindly let us leave early.

I'd signed up for a contest to win tickets through the venue, but never expected to actually win. Not only was it a nice surprise that I'd be able to go to the concert, but the tickets were in the third row! We were standing right in front of John Myung. Like... 15 feet away. Close enough to make eye contact with them! Jordan Rudess was the greatest. He had a wizard hat!

Highlights of the evening include:

- They played Voices, one of my favorites
- James LaBrie: "I'm kneeling on the floor, staring at the wall, like mmhumhmm... I forgot the words."
- Mike Portnoy's repeated attempts at catching a drum stick thrown from offstage... he got it at last!
- Jordan Rudess dueling keyboards with his virtual wizard self!
- Jordan Rudess secretly pretending to put his wizard hat on John Myung's head
- They played Sacrificed Sons to images of 9/11 - "heads all turning towards the sky, towers crumble, heroes die" -very poignant
- They played The Count of Tuscany as an encore - I knew it!

Setlist, in approximate order:

A Nightmare to Remember
A Rite of Passage
John Petrucci/Jordan Rudess solo
Hollow Years
Erotomania
Voices
Jordan Rudess solo
Sacrificed Sons
Forsaken

Encore:
The Count of Tuscany

I was kind of surprised there was nothing from Scenes from a Memory, but they did do some lesser-played songs, so it's nice to hear some of those.

The venue was very stringent with their no cameras/video policy, and I hadn't brought my camera anyway cause the pictures never come out well, but I did get a couple on my cell phone. Will have to figure out how to transfer those and see if they came out.

We did see the last part of Zappa Plays Zappa too. There was a lady who played saxophone, flute, and keyboards. (Though not simultaneously.) And a xylophone solo! It was pretty cool.

The only girlie shirt they had, I didn't care much for the design, so instead I bought a tourbook and their "official bootleg" cover of Metallica's Master of Puppets album.

I think I enjoyed their last concert more, probably cause they played longer, but these were definitely the best seats I've ever had. :)

Finished my first day of classes at Metro. Not used to walking across campus, I strained the arch of my foot somehow... (Mayhaps my sandals were the culprit.) And here I thought it would be good exercise. Hopefully it feels better by morning.

A fox was the first thing that came to mind.

Well, we found out today that my grandmother passed away. She was 92 and had been declining in recent years, so it wasn't unexpected. I think I was more despondent upon hearing that she was suffering from dementia and couldn't remember people or where she was. It kind of feels like she'd already been gone in a way. At least now she's in a better place.

We'd been debating going up to see her again, but I think it would have been odd to see her in that state. I'd like to remember her as she was. We'll be driving up to South Dakota on Wednesday for the funeral. That will be a nice chance to say goodbye. I feel like just reflecting on and celebrating the good times we had, what I'd like to remember most about her.

Here's a couple lines that I wrote as part of a song back when I first heard about the degree of her dementia:

It's hard to know that you're still here
But you're already gone...

Will you remember me
When you pass on?

Yes, I am a faerie in real life. :)

I did a photo shoot in May as a faerie and just got back the pics. This is my favorite of the bunch. :) There's a couple more behind the cut too.

( Come, faeries, take me out of this dull world... )

I don't know. They are all so cute, I can't choose!

( Just look! )

...haha, I just typed lj-cute.

Yes, I do have all these cute animal pictures on my computer. And, for fun, check out baaaaabyanimals and http://www.randomkittengenerator.com/ :)

I wonder why it is that when I'm by myself I feel comfortable and confident, but around people I shrink with fear. I diminish myself. Is it because I'm afraid of what they'll think, how they'll react? It's no longer because I think badly of myself. I can be this way. This is me. But I'm just afraid to show it...

Squee! Elven/faerie-inspired clothing and accessories! I want!

It would be a lot of fun designing and making clothes for my own medieval-inspired fashion line. :) Maybe I could see if there is anyone at the renaissance festival who could use another hand.

In similar costuming-related news, I am helping with costumes for a local children's theatre as an internship with a small stipend. They're doing The Sound of Music, so I am going to be making seven little traditional Austrian costumes for the kids. And once I get that done, we'll see what else I can tackle. The show has plenty of costumes. :)

I'll also be helping with makeup for Seussical based on Dr. Seuss at the same theatre. And, I'm going to interview for another costuming position at another children's theatre. I am thrilled I actually found stuff available. :) And it'll be great to get some more experience too.

Some good advice from artoftheempath:

By focusing on all that is wrong in your life you become dogged by doubts, insecurity, feelings of inadequacy. Instead, be grateful for all that is good in your life, cherish what you do have, laugh, and love. Change the things that can be changed, but don't dwell on what cannot be undone or is broken. Don't avoid life by living in a world of 'what ifs' and 'why them and not me'.

Salad Fingers. Or Freaky Fred:



Nope, I think Salad Fingers is creepier.

• Do not pay so much attention to your feelings; they are not a true source of support for you, as you probably already know. Remember this advice: "From our present perspective, we can also see that one of the most important mistakes Fours make is to equate themselves with their feelings. The fallacy is that to understand themselves they must understand their feelings, particularly their negative ones, before acting. Fours do not see that the self is not the same as its feelings or that the presence of negative feelings does not preclude the presence of good in themselves." Always remember that your feelings are telling you something about yourself as you are at this particular moment, not necessarily more than that.

• Avoid putting off things until you are "in the right mood." Commit yourself to productive, meaningful work that will contribute to your good and that of others, no matter how small the contribution may be. Working consistently in the real world will create a context in which you can discover yourself and your talents. (Actually, you are happiest when you are working—that is, activating your potentials and realizing yourself. You will not "find yourself" in a vacuum or while waiting for inspiration to strike, so connect—and stay connected—with the real world.

• Self-esteem and self-confidence will develop only from having positive experiences, whether or not you believe that you are ready to have them. Therefore, put yourself in the way of good. You may never feel that you are ready to take on a challenge of some sort, that you always need more time. (Fours typically never feel that they are sufficiently "together," but they must nevertheless have the courage to stop putting off their lives.) Even if you start small, commit yourself to doing something that will bring out the best in you.

• A wholesome self-discipline takes many forms, from sleeping regular hours to working regularly to exercising regularly, and has a cumulative, strengthening effect. Since it comes from yourself, a healthy self-discipline is not contrary to your freedom or individuality. On the other hand, sensuality, excessive sexual experiences, alcohol, drugs, sleep, or fantasizing have a debilitating effect on you, as you already know. Therefore, practice healthy self-discipline and stay with it.

• Avoid lengthy conversations in your imagination, particularly if they are negative, resentful, or even excessively romantic. These conversations are essentially unreal and at best only rehearsals for action—although, as you know, you almost never say or do what you imagine you will. Instead of spending time imagining your life and relationships, begin to live them.


I just found that while searching through my old logs for story notes. At the time, I wrote that I didn't want to do those things, to have to change who I was to fit into a functional model. But now I can see how some of those things are true, that I have found self-esteem and self-confidence by doing things instead of dreaming about them. I'm still avoidant though, and I still dwell too much on things. I have lofty goals but need to work more on actualizing them.

Hm... I wonder too what I really want from relationships, friends, socializing... I want to feel connected, but it seems so awkward and tedious to try and make those connections.