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21 May 2005 @ 02:56 am
Passive  
Bloody inhibitions. Wish I could feel completely free to be myself around other people, and to show them who myself is, what she thinks and likes and wants. I feel so guarded, so distant. I cannot engage in relationships with other people because I cannot express myself or reveal myself. ‘Tis likely why I feel fake, because I can’t be open enough to reveal my true self and my true feelings. I let others run everything because I don’t know how I “should” act, and I am too afraid to act on what I feel like doing. I feel like what I do is somehow wrong unless the other person invites it. And so I just go along for the ride, because otherwise I feel lost. And the irony is that I want to be free to do what I want to do. I don’t like restrictions and responsibilities. But I feel like, when engaging with other people, I need to be told what to do. I don’t know how to be myself when others are around. I wonder why I am so afraid of opening up... I’m so afraid of showing who I am, and yet my greatest desire is to show people who I am. I want them to see the beauty that hides inside. I want them to understand and appreciate all that I am. But I don’t dare show them? I don’t know why I’m so afraid...
 
 
Current Music: A Perfect Circle - Orestes
 
 
 
|\|¡|<progress on May 21st, 2005 10:35 am (UTC)
point by point
Wish I could feel completely free to be myself around other people, and to show them who myself is, what she thinks and likes and wants.
You can-- but only after and through bearing witness to who they are and what they like and want.

I feel like what I do is somehow wrong unless the other person invites it.
It's not- however it MAY be uninvited. Advice usually is.

I want to be free to do what I want to do. I don’t like restrictions and responsibilities.
You are free to do what you want as long as it's legal. Restrictions are illusory, and usually bad (other than don't kill or steal), but responsibility is not bad. Your responsibilities are the things that people depend on YOU for.

But I feel like, when engaging with other people, I need to be told what to do.
We all feel like that. No one handed any of us an instruction book for this life. In fact, a bunch of fools tried to hand us a Bible and tell us that it was the owner's manual for a human existence.

I’m so afraid of showing who I am, and yet my greatest desire is to show people who I am.
Paradox. What you want is what you fear. Face your fear.

I want them to see the beauty that hides inside.
And the best way to begin is to appreciate and openly admire the beauty that you find in others.

I want them to understand and appreciate all that I am.
They will, if you show the same understanding and appreciation openly and genuinely.

But I don’t dare show them?
Face your fears always. it's the only way to overcome them.

I don’t know why I’m so afraid...
Because it is human nature, the very human condition, to fear that which we do not understand. Steel yourself against your fear of the unknown and nothing can stop you from accomplishing anything that you want.
fl0werchyldefl0werchylde on May 21st, 2005 04:24 pm (UTC)

Isn't it nice to meet people who have all the answers?
~sigh~
|\|¡|<progress on May 21st, 2005 11:07 pm (UTC)
i wasn't trying to sound like a fortune cookie. (or twelve)
merely attempting to answer a bunch of questions, and I don't usually comment often or much.
Livakmisere on May 22nd, 2005 08:55 pm (UTC)
I know you want to be real.

Start by standing up for what you believe in, speaking out when you have an opinion and letting people steamroll you for fear that if you disagree, speak out or don't support them that you will be alienated. Do you really 'need' them as friends?

Stand up for yourself.