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11 September 2005 @ 03:46 am
Substitute reality  
Yesterday, my therapist and I were discussing my aversion toward talking to people. Do I want friends, or do I not want friends? I’m conflicted. I long for connection, and yet part of me wants nothing to do with the majority of humanity. I dislike the drama that so many people seem to thrive on, that some even go out of their way to create. And why do they do this? Cause it makes things interesting, I suppose. I just can’t stand it. People getting worked up over nothing. And why is it that I try so hard to avoid it, my therapist asked me. Because there is a risk of these negative things coming from any interaction, but there are good things that come as well. Is it because I am afraid of experiencing these strong emotions? No, quite the contrary. In fact, I revel in emotion. But I do so with a degree of separation in between.

Why else do I feel drawn to the “drama” of acting, of roleplaying, of writing? I find beauty in the strongest of emotions, of love, and joy, and pain, and sorrow. It is why I love tragic characters, why I submit my own characters to such pain and torment, because of all the deep emotions involved. I can feel all those emotions, and yet it’s not me. I can imagine what it would be like to be in that horrible situation, I can suffer for a short time, and then I can open my eyes and be back in the comfort of my own home. I can just get a taste of those harsh emotions, and yet it will not linger with me. It’s a safe way of experiencing those things. Perhaps it’s why I live in my head so much, and have such a strong imagination. I can pretend I’m feeling all those things, but everything is perfectly orchestrated, and no one really gets hurt. Nothing goes wrong unless it’s meant to. So I can still encounter everything that I long to, and there are no real negatives to it. Except that, well, nothing’s real. But do we need it to be?

All of those wonderful stories from books, plays, movies, they’re more than just entertainment. They’re alternate realities that we can experience. I remember whenever I’d watch a movie or tv show, since I was a little girl, I’d imagine myself as one of the characters. I’d pick one person to “be”, and I would imagine experiencing everything from their perspective, thinking of what was going through their mind and how they would react and what they felt. I still do that. Even with things like interviews on talk shows. I’ll pretend that’s me up there, me the actress in however many years. My head is continually swimming with thoughts, with imagined things, a whole different reality. And perhaps that’s why I can afford to spend so much time alone. Who needs real drama when you can create your own in the confines of your own mind, hm? And it’s so much more interesting...
 
 
 
fl0werchyldefl0werchylde on September 11th, 2005 09:23 pm (UTC)
Do I want friends, or do I not want friends? I’m conflicted. I long for connection, and yet part of me wants nothing to do with the majority of humanity. I dislike the drama that so many people seem to thrive on, that some even go out of their way to create.

Same probs here.