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06 December 2006 @ 01:15 am
 
See what happens when I have free time? I start pondering...

Ah, it’s all starting to make sense. It all ties together. As a Victim, I feel that I need a Rescuer (note that that’s what enneagram type Fours are seeking too) who will be my support, my guide, my dominating force and who will take me under their protective wing. If they handle everything, I won’t have to worry about things, about messing up. They will do, and I will follow, because they know what is best for me. Or they know what works in the situation, and I follow accordingly.

Er, I guess I should start from the beginning. It’s how I am in any relationship. I was just mulling over my difficulty in opening up to people, in putting effort into things, in establishing friendships. I like other people to run things. I will proceed as directed. And when no one is directing me, that is when I actually have to make an effort, to reach out. This is uncomfortable and awkward for me. I was pondering over maybe the problem is that I just don’t care enough. I don’t care enough to try. The relationships with people are just not terribly important to me. Although I would like to have friends, yes? But the effort it takes I find unnatural and tiresome. And I suppose I would just be content enough on my own. But dracowayfarer recently posted this link, which made me examine things from the context of myself as a Victim persona. I feel incapable. I need someone, a Rescuer, to be there to help me through things. I’ve been coddled too much, I suppose, so now I feel lost on my own. I can’t see myself taking charge and initiative in things, I’m the Victim, remember? So that is how I act. Others must draw me out. I rely on them to do the talking, to put in the effort, and I will float in whatever direction it takes me.

Here’s what I wrote earlier:

“Okay, I initiated contact, now what? Oh, wait, I have to keep talking to you? We can’t just keep learning about each other from a distance?

I want other people to dictate things. They know what they’re doing. I think.”

So, yeah. I need someone to hold my hand. Otherwise I feel clueless. And the majority of times, if I try putting in effort, being the leader, then it doesn’t feel genuine. So... I let them put in all the effort. And one-sided relationships don’t really work. But my mind must be telling me that I can’t do it, I’m helpless, and I’m handcuffed by it. So yeah, I’m seeking my Rescuer, who will do it all for me. But I obviously need to break through these beliefs, to realize that I am capable, to build my confidence. And I also have to want to break through them. It’s easy to avoid responsibility when I feel that I’m unable to undertake it.

Ah, look at me, having my own personal therapy session. It is a lot cheaper...
 
 
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
 
 
 
Dracodracowayfarer on December 7th, 2006 03:46 am (UTC)
I had this long advice-y reply all worked up in my head by the time I got 9/10ths of the way through your post and read this...

"But I obviously need to break through these beliefs, to realize that I am capable, to build my confidence. And I also have to want to break through them. It’s easy to avoid responsibility when I feel that I’m unable to undertake it."

...and suddenly I chuckled, smiled and mentally hit Ctrl-A, Delete. ;)