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11 December 2006 @ 02:29 am
 
Hm. I need a social life. I need friends, rather than just acquaintances. But, there are a number of roadblocks... I don’t like smalltalk, and I have difficulty talking to people in general. So yeah, I never talk with anyone enough to get to know them. And even if someone does share the same interests and might be someone I’d want to get to know... I have no idea how to approach them, I have no idea what to say. And, I don’t want to feel fake. I don’t want to have to act all falsely friendly. I guess I just kind of smile and nod and giggle normally, which isn’t much of an indicator to what I’m like, but it’s a way to avoid talking. I don’t like the effort it takes to have a conversation with someone. And I’m cautious to reveal anything about myself for one reason or another. And if I don’t reveal anything about myself and don’t ask others anything about themselves, then we really don’t get much of anywhere. Also, I’m picky, and if someone isn’t exactly the kind of person I’m looking for, then I wonder if there’s much point in trying to grow closer to them. I have the same problem romantically. But, yeah, even if I could handpick people, there’s still the problem of actually talking with them and getting to know them. Marianne just has her little safety bubble which she doesn’t want anyone entering.

Even online, when I used aim, I’d never talk to anyone, and I’d have the most difficult time when I did. Draco and Nik and, later on, Chris would have to pry stuff out of me. I much preferred just reading each other’s journals and commenting on occasion. On Feudal, I got comfortable with people and could be myself, cause we’d be spending so much time together and we’d joke around and could talk about things in the game. But still, I barely knew anything about them irl. Joe/Vivinus was my closest friend til things got ugly with him - mostly cause he felt ignored and that I wasn’t a good enough friend. And my next best friend became Chris, only after he’d pushed past his own difficulties and practically stood on his head trying to get me out of my shell, and nearly gave up on me a couple times. And if that’s how hard people have to work to be my friend, it’s no wonder I don’t have any.

Then I wonder, what is it that I want to have friends for? I don’t like socializing. I’m not interested in going out for drinks or dancing or going to parties. Even when I hang out with Chris, all we do is watch tv most of the time. Maybe I want people I can talk to or do things with on the rare occasion that I actually want those things. But it seems like other people want those things all the time, and you have to put in a continuous effort. And then I guess they get pissed if you don’t talk to them for awhile, if you’re just a part-time friend. So I can’t really call myself a friend if I only check in every once in awhile, can I? So then... yeah.

Meh, I need to take Socializing 101... But even then, it just feels awkward, not me. How do I get more comfortable with people? How do I show all the aspects of myself without feeling vulnerable?


Dream Theater - These Walls

This is so hard for me
To find the words to say
My thoughts are standing still

Captive inside of me
All emotions start to hide
And nothing's getting through

Watch me
Fading
I'm losing
All my instincts
Falling into darkness

Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under
You are the only one who knows
I'm holding back

It's not too late for me
To keep from sinking further
I'm trying to find my way out
Tear down these walls for me now

So much uncertainty
I don't like this feeling
I'm sinking like a stone

Each time I try to speak
There's a voice I'm hearing
And it changes everything

Watch me
Crawl from
The wreckage
Of my silence
Conversation
Failing

Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under
You are the only one who knows
I'm holding back

It's not too late for me
To keep from sinking further
I'm trying to find my way out
Tear down these walls

Every time you choose to turn away
Is it worth the price you pay?
Is there someone who will wait for you
One more time?
One more time?

Watch me
Fading
I'm losing
All my instincts
Falling into darkness

Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under
You are the only one who knows
I'm holding back

It's not too late for me
To keep from sinking further
I'm trying to find my way out
Tear down these walls for me now

Tear down these walls for me
It's not too late for me
Tear down these walls for me
 
 
Current Music: Dream Theater - Octavarium
 
 
 
Draco: Sacred Theaterdracowayfarer on December 13th, 2006 08:33 am (UTC)
I have a lot to say here, from my own past, if you're interested.

Not that what you're going through is exactly the same as what I dealt with, but maybe you can pull something helpful out of my experiences...

...That song was the anthem for my escape from my own self-imposed captivity, after all.
Marianne: Marianne: Breathtakingresplendentposy on December 14th, 2006 12:03 am (UTC)
Maybe it would help me in finding a way to break out my shell. I just feel so closed off, and it doesn't work in this world.