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20 February 2009 @ 01:28 am
 
We've been doing emotion work in acting workshop, working on being vulnerable, on putting everything out there. It's made me think about myself. I've changed and grown and accomplished so much. But I think it's still there, hiding down beneath. The fact that... I don't really like myself. I still feel somehow wrong. And I think that's part of the reason why I don't want to show people the real me. Because I'm afraid they won't like me, that I am unlikable.

Though there's no real reason why I should think that... I can't pinpoint any particular thing that I think they won't like. But I guess it's just that I don't have those feelings of self-worth, of self-esteem. Deep down, I don't think I'm good enough, deserving enough. And so I try to cover myself up with this image of someone really likable and nice and sweet and quiet who doesn't cause any problems, doesn't have dissenting opinions, doesn't say no. So then people will like the image and I won't feel rejected. But then I still don't feel that they like me... they like something that's not the real, full me. All the parts that I do feel are valuable, the deep thoughts, the emotion... I don't show people that, the heart of me. And that doesn't really make sense. Is it just because I fear rejection? Do I feel like that part of me is unacceptable? Why would it be? This is the part of me that I cherish, that I want others to understand.

Perhaps it's just the fear of being vulnerable, of being hurt. I'm afraid to put myself out there. I downplay it, all my accomplishments, the good things about me, in order to avoid attention. Even good attention is scary. I feel undeserving maybe. It's so strange. To want to hide the good things about me, my achievements? I want others to know about this part of me, but I'm afraid to show it? Embarrassment maybe? It's so much easier to write about how I feel than to tell people. In person, I feel like I'm holding back, shy, don't want to put anything forth. Why is it so much harder to express myself in that way? Because I'm face to face with someone maybe, where here it's like I'm alone with my thoughts, just putting things forth to paper. Who knows who the receiver will be? They're faceless; there's a distance between us. People can read at will and react, and I am removed. It's not right there, direct.

Hm... I just wish it wasn't so hard, that I wasn't so afraid. That I felt confident and comfortable being and showing myself. I shouldn't be ashamed of that. I should feel good about who I am.
 
 
 
fl0werchyldefl0werchylde on February 22nd, 2009 03:37 am (UTC)
Deep down, I don't think I'm good enough, deserving enough. And so I try to cover myself up with this image of someone really likable and nice and sweet and quiet who doesn't cause any problems, doesn't have dissenting opinions, doesn't say no. So then people will like the image and I won't feel rejected. But then I still don't feel that they like me...

I can relate, though I guess no 1 person can ever 100% understand where another person is coming from. I thought I was the only one who felt that way. :/

Have you ever looked down there and taken just a little peek to see what might be so wrong that it's worth covering? Have you forgiven yourself for things you may have missed out on in the past?