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09 September 2009 @ 02:38 am
 
You know, I still get embarrassed when I talk aloud in a group. In class, it's actually gotten easier. I can say to myself, "I'm intelligent. I have thoughts about literature, I have ideas and opinions about this." And I can voice them, and it isn't so bad. But I noticed in acting workshop that I put something forth and I could feel people paying attention to me, and my face flushed afterwards. I guess I feel like I'm not very knowledgeable about it... I worry that what I see, how I feel about something isn't the same as what others do. I worry that it's not "right." But it's an art, yes? There is no right. But I feel like, if Brian notices something or others do and I see something different, then I must not be getting it. Did you feel it that time? Um... no?

I think that's a way of thinking that's been with me awhile... If I say something, put an idea out, and others disagree, then it's wrong, it's not valid. I'm stupid or something for coming up with that, for seeing it that way. So then the next time, I'll think twice before I say anything. I was always afraid of raising my hand in class, even if I knew the answer. I was afraid of speaking up. I was afraid of being heard. And maybe that's why I'm afraid of showing the real me, because I'm afraid it won't be accepted, it will be invalidated. So I put forth a front that's acceptable, that's pleasant and agreeable. People will accept that and like me. But I still feel like they don't really know me. And I somehow feel that the real me wouldn't be accepted... even though I see those things in others and feel drawn to them because I can relate to them, because they are open and vulnerable and showing their true, hurt self. I want other people to know me... I don't know why I'm so afraid of showing them. Because I'm not strong, because I am fragile, I'm sensitive, and I take things to heart. And I'm afraid of being crushed.