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29 January 2003 @ 01:13 am
Blessed Tears...  
Sometimes, I want to cry for the world...

Sometimes, I wish I could let them see. I wish I could change their minds and their hearts.

Sometimes, I wonder whether it is even worth it...

Is the world already too far gone? Would my words only fall on deaf ears? Doesn't anyone even care?

So much is wrong. But I don't think that UG or the vhemt is the answer. Because I still have hope...

I cannot cure the plague which has gripped our world. I cannot set it all right. I can't even open most people's eyes. People will believe what they want to believe. And I cannot convince them otherwise if they are so set in the fact that they are right and I am wrong. I cannot argue with one who does not listen.

I may not save the world. But I will change the people who will save the world. I will bring awareness. If I can change one mind, if I can save one life, if I can bring one person closer to the truth, then they will change others. I can leave a lasting impact just by living... I just need to show those good people out there that they are good. In a world so flawed, sometimes the perfect see themselves as tainted, because they are the exception. I need to show them otherwise...

Yet all this comes from the same girl who knows exactly how she would commit suicide. All this comes from a girl with no self-esteem, who lived in her own little world, who thought herself so unbearably wrong.

I am special. Moreso than I had previously thought...

Yet even now I cry. Because of my fear. Because I don't know how. Because it all seems so hopeless and futile.

I want so much to change. These people may want it all the same. But perhaps they fear it too. They have become so accustomed to life as it is that they cannot picture it any differently. And that is sad...

How can you live your life blindly? Shall I say I'm wrong when I'm right? Should I just pass these thoughts off as delusions of grandeur, another fault in an already disturbed mind?

But can you tell me they aren't real? What is real? Something you can see and touch? What is seeing? What is touching? Is that even real? If I feel something inside, can you tell me that is any less real than the sights and sensations I experience each day? Can you prove me wrong when you can't even prove what's right?

I just know I want things to change.

"When a man lies, he murders some part of the world. These are the pale deaths which men miscall their lives. All this I cannot bear to witness any longer. Cannot the kingdom of salvation take me home?" - Cliff Burton

I cannot bear to witness this any longer. I must find a way to change their hearts. I need to live life like some people never will. And I want them to. I want them to see as I see. I want them to live life as I must.

Every night I cry for you... I shake my head with sadness at what we have become. Just look at what we've done... Is this why I hate myself? Because of what my brothers are? Because I am one of them? Each of your vices pains me. Each harm done to your kin, to your world, burns a hole deeper into my soul.

I wanted to escape the world. I wanted to escape every stupid, cruel person. Every hate, every harm. I wanted to distance myself from everyone. I wanted to believe that I was not a part of them, that I could separate myself from them completely and it would all be okay.

But I can't... Because it still pains me.

I love you all...

You don't have to be this way. You can change. You can make yourself better. You can break out of the drudgery you have happily sworn yourself to.

We are eternal. We have not been forsaken. We have not let Him down. There's more to us than we see now...
 
 
 
Vivinusvivinus on January 29th, 2003 03:47 am (UTC)
"Life is what's happening to us while we're searching for something else." - A member of the Beatles

The quote may not be exactly direct, but it makes the same point either way.

If you draw life out as a branch, each option in life leading farther and farther away from the center in a different direction than another option.. At a certain point you can always turn back and make another decision.. But what if you've come to the point of having a family? The point where people depend on you for support. You cannot turn back anymore. You cannot change them.

Some strike this point early, some late, some never do, some never have a choice..
Vivinusvivinus on January 29th, 2003 12:41 pm (UTC)
The poem of the mind in the act of finding
What will suffice. It has not always had
To find: the scene was set; it repeated what
Was in the script