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15 March 2004 @ 06:08 pm
I went out today.. I had a dentist appointment. I think the last time I went outside was.. Christmas? I feel.. like I’m hiding away from everything, like I don’t want to face what’s out there. I don’t want this world to be real.

In my dreams, I’m a famous novelist. And I played Victoria in Scenes from a Memory, and Elwing in The Silmarillion, and various other characters in various other movies. And I’m known for singing too. And I illustrate my own children’s books. And I wrote and arranged the musical based on Blind Guardian’s Nightfall in Middle-Earth, which in turn was based on J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Silmarillion.

I have a beautiful castle-esque house in the mountains. With a garden, and a creek nearby, and a huge forest with foxes and other animals. I have a husband, but no kids, and lots of pets. Dogs and cats, and maybe a bat which I would name Niko after a character in my story, who was named after a hockey player, even before he came to the Avs. Premonition, I suppose.

I’m an angel in a human body, and that is alright. I can remember, and I have the answers to all my questions. And I help show other people that they are alright, that they’re beautiful even if no one ever sees. I tell people that they have to find their own path, and learn their own truths, that no one can tell them what’s true, they have to discover it. And I know my own truths, and I am content with them.

I feel free, and happy, and accomplished.

And then.. then I look at where I am now. I’m a girl who’s almost 20, who sleeps all day, and plays on the computer all night. Who never leaves the house, who has no friends except those she knows online, and even those she has distanced herself from, or else is too disinclined, too unmotivated to get to know. I call myself a writer. I can’t remember the last time I worked on something I plan to hopefully get published.. some day. Every night, I tell myself I should work on that story, I should get up earlier, I should mud less, I should do something... And every night I procrastinate more and more, and stay up until 4am, and think.. maybe tomorrow...

Today, I saw the sun. When it was still up high in the sky, and not slowly sinking behind the mountains. I looked in the mirror and saw a very pretty and pale girl. I spoke softly and shyly when the dentist asked how I was. I never met anyone’s eyes but my own. I pondered being famous, and what that next novel would be.. what I’d say in interviews. How much more articulate I was, how.. likable. I wondered how much it would hurt to stab a knife into my stomach, but decided that arranging a suicide would take too much time, which I didn’t have at the moment.

Maybe tomorrow...

“I exist in my own little world, but I’m running out of oxygen.”
Current Mood: pensivepensive
Current Music: Dream Theater - Vacant
Vickiemelopene on March 15th, 2004 05:34 pm (UTC)
Strange as it sounds, maybe you should start smoking or something - something to get you outside a little.

I remember being in the same kind of situation as you, and the only way I ever got outside was to go smoke, or go to my car when I needed to go get food or something.

You really, really, really do need to get out of the house more than every three months though, hun. Sunlight helps your body make some important chemicals (like vitamin K) and there's been a lot of research that shows that exposure to sunlight actually works as a mood elevator.

nathannateaintemo on March 15th, 2004 07:44 pm (UTC)
I was in the same situation that you are in, let me give you some advice.

Off the mud. It robs you of your strength and time. Just step back and take a few days off
nathannateaintemo on March 15th, 2004 07:50 pm (UTC)
sorry, anyway. It is a fascinating world, don't get me wrong, and I do spend a lot of time on the mud, but I do it as almost of a reward for myself. I go out all day, do things, talk to people, hang out, go out for lunch, whatever. Once I am done all that then I get on the mud, hang out for a few hours. I used to play till four-five-six myself, but now I hardly play past 2am, simply to do something else. The sleeping pattern is another thing too. Stay up till 4am, sleep till 2pm. It's a nasty pattern that messes your body up and makes you tired. You should try and only get 8 or 9 hours sleep, it helps.

As far as your writing goes, do what I do, and what you do. Write about your characters. Write stories for them, it doesn't matter if you post them or not, it's creative writing and creative thinking and I'm sure you could eventually spin off one of those stories. Hell, write about celidie/azaeruil/aleksey, I'd read that book!

I know it seems like I know alot but I've gone through almost exactly what you have. Hang out with those friends, even if it is a little bit, it doesn't have to be everyday you know? But you need a bit of the social love.

Well, just think about it. See ya.
CriScO: 3/4crisco747 on March 15th, 2004 08:26 pm (UTC)
Judging by the location in your profile we can't be that far apart. Maybe I'll have to come take you out of your world sometime, hmm? :)
Marianneresplendentposy on March 15th, 2004 11:31 pm (UTC)
That would be nice... But, bleh.. nervousness and lack of ambition. I suppose I'll have to combat them sometime...
CriScO: 3/4crisco747 on March 16th, 2004 02:03 am (UTC)
That was my part of my point, actually. :) Also it is something that I would have said not long ago. You will have to face them if you ever want to move forward.

The other was that friendship online can spill out to the real world. I understand that you may not be ready to emerge from your digital cocoon just yet - but when you are, know that you have at least one person waiting on the outside, willing to be your friend in the physical realm.
Marianneresplendentposy on March 16th, 2004 02:53 am (UTC)
Draco: Soul: Balancedigitaldraco on March 24th, 2004 01:50 am (UTC)
Two, even. *waves*
nathannateaintemo on March 16th, 2004 11:12 am (UTC)
digital caccoon. hahaha.
Dracodigitaldraco on March 24th, 2004 01:49 am (UTC)
Hey.. did you by any chance make an anon comment to my 90's entry on my LJ recently?
Marianneresplendentposy on March 24th, 2004 02:01 am (UTC)
Hm.. nope.