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12 May 2004 @ 08:48 pm
Something has to change
Undeniable dilemma
Boredom's not a burden anyone should bear
Constant over stimulation numbs me
And I would not have it any other way

It's not enough
I need more
Nothing seems to satisfy
I don't want it
I just need it
To feel, to breathe, to know I'm alive

I went to my therapist today. She brought up something, that if I encounter an uncomfortable feeling, I decide not to do whatever it is that caused that feeling. Or, for instance, when I'm getting ready, I have to do certain things otherwise I feel uncomfortable. So to avoid that feeling, I do these things that I've grown accustomed to, even if it makes me late for an appointment or whatever. And she says that the way out is to encounter that uncomfortable feeling, and continue and endure it, and the more contact I have with it, the more I will desensitize to it, until it becomes easier and easier for me.

But, bleh...

My mom is going to try and get me an appointment for a psychological evaluation. I never really had one, just read some things and pieced together what might be wrong. My therapist also thinks I should look into group therapy, as that would get me some contact with other people in a safe environment, where I can "practice" being social. Better than diving into the deep end... My mom has found some groups around here that focus on ocd, but none really for social anxiety. I guess that would work though.

It shouldn't be this hard for people to be "normal" right? Though I never really considered myself normal... It would be nice if the world would adjust to fit me, but alas. I do want these things.. some of these things... So I guess I'll have to try. I just wish it wasn't so hard...

I need to learn
Teach me how
Sorrow to burn
Help me return
To humanity
I'll be fearless and thorough
To enter this temple of hope
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
rivenagares on May 12th, 2004 07:42 pm (UTC)
..the darkness on the other side of the fence is just as bright..
The Other Grendel Slayer: wolfpicbeerwulf on May 12th, 2004 08:07 pm (UTC)
I'm too scared to go to a therapist. Heh.
And I'd be too scared to go to group therapy.

It's cool that your mom knows and is helping you with it. I couldn't tell mine...

Perhaps you're doing better than I am.
Vivinusvivinus on May 13th, 2004 04:08 am (UTC)
Was this your first time meeting with your therapist?

And, group therapy is a good idea.. If you don't feel "normal", at least you know everybody around you also doesn't feel "normal" and that because they are there, they wouldn't judge you. And hey, maybe you'll meet a cute boy. I wouldn't look for groups that focus on ocd though, you'll just get weirdos that are there because they have to do everything twice and whatnot, but groups that focus on social anxiety is a good shot..
marressa on May 13th, 2004 06:19 am (UTC)

I would think a group for social anxiety would be harder to find. For some reason they don't like groups.... ;) Or that was my experience. OCD is close, and you can find a relatively small not so 'weird' group I am sure. People I know that are social anxieties also can have some ocd, not always.

I also don't put lots of stock in the tests. But then mine were not administered by a true professional.

Besides what is normal? Some people are outgoing beyond belif... others stand in the background, then you have those who just like to be in the middle of it all.

I am glad you are addressing what you see as something that needs addressing. If it makes you feel better about yourself and where you are in life in the long run then it is a good thing to be doing. Talking to a professional is always a good thing in my book.

I hope you take care of yourself.


polarbearpolarbear3010 on May 15th, 2004 02:14 am (UTC)
Therapists, psychologists and all other professionals indeed can help... but in the end, it is all about you. It is only you who should be making decisions for yourself, as well as it is only you who can change your own world. And I'm sure you will figure it out eventually.
kobra on June 1st, 2004 08:09 am (UTC)

Hey. It's Felene/Seimiya/Lir. I was reading through your LJ, and something occured to me...

have youe ver heard of Asperger Syndrome? Similiar to ADD, but not quite. I (coming from a case of AS myself) think you might actually have it. http://www.aspergers.com

Check it out.
Marianneresplendentposy on June 1st, 2004 08:09 pm (UTC)
I looked into that before. I think some of it seemed to fit, but other parts didn't. It could still be a possibility though I suppose.