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01 June 2004 @ 07:10 pm
 
You know, I could be like.. cool.. if only I had self-confidence and self-esteem. I could be such an interesting figurehead. But alas, I “just be” only in private. Only there, can I dance, and sing, and pose in the mirror. That is the only place I can truly be me, where no one will see. That is where I lose all inhibitions, with no one there to hold me back, no reason to be nervous.

I admired Ian, a friend of my brother’s from hockey. He would deliberately put his helmet on backwards, and skate around and do pirouets. He didn’t care what anyone thought. He acted so cute and silly, and just had that same smile whether people laughed or shook their heads. He wasn’t doing it for any of them, he was just doing what he felt like doing.

I wish I could be the same way... I wish I weren’t so afraid. I wish I could just be me, and worry not about what other people think. I want to lose myself in myself, and drown out all the rest. I want people to see who I am, but act as though they are not even there. I want freedom from my self-consciousness, my worries. I want to be able to just be...
 
 
 
CriScO: Smileycrisco747 on June 1st, 2004 06:50 pm (UTC)
We can work on that together. :)
Vivinusvivinus on June 1st, 2004 07:53 pm (UTC)
I feel like I'm just one small step ahead of you. I can feel exactly what you're speaking of on the topic of Ian and the things he would do. I envy people that can not worry about others and do whatever they want like that. Granted, they do it to be the center of attention and/or to make people laugh and smile.. Every now and then (pretty rare though) I can forget about my inhibitions and do something comical and spontaneous, but afterwards when I sit back and think about it, I feel as though what I did was childish, immature, stupid, etc. So maybe I don't envy people that actually do things like that in particular, but the idea that they aren't slaves to their inhibitions.. Or maybe I just want to be the center of attention sometimes, and once I do something to make me the center of attention, I have too many eyes on me and collapse under them..

I don't know..

And this probably didn't help you at all. Sorry, heh.
rivenagares on June 1st, 2004 09:04 pm (UTC)
What do you think you've been doing?
Do you think because livejournal is text that its different?
Do you think because there is a phosphorus screen you're safe?

ladybug, realize that you've been showing yourself, for years.
all you've ever gotten was positive feedback, people care about
you whether you want them to or not.

any anxieties you have are false. they have no substance. everyone
is waiting for you to fly so they can smile broadly and see your
wings..what are you waiting for?