Marianne (resplendentposy) wrote,

As a boy, he was considered somewhat odd
Kept to himself most of the time
He would daydream in and out of his own world
But in every other way, he was fine

I read an article about autism in a magazine today. I really think I may have been partially autistic as a child. I’ve read about asperger’s syndrome, but that doesn’t quite fit. I wonder if there is some other form of mild, high-functioning autism that you can learn to overcome... I really lived in my own Solitary Shell. I could react to the real world, but my focus was on my own. My mom talks about how I wasn’t like other babies who would smile and coo at others in church. I just sat in my parents’ arms with a perpetual frown on my face. People would try to get me to smile or play as a young child, but I would only withdraw further. In kindergarten, I would go to the counselors, and they would try to get to me to have a little stuffed animal or puppet talk for me and say how I feel, but I wouldn’t move it. I felt uncomfortable and I didn’t see the point, so I just sat there. I remember some older boys asking my brother if I could talk. They’d try and get me to talk, but it just made me intentionally stay silent.

I was only open and free with people who I knew well, my close friends and family. Maybe it was just some other social disorder. I wouldn’t say I felt anxious, persay... I was just very withdrawn. My inner world was what mattered the most to me. It was only when I got into high school that I was first able to look outside my shell. It was like realizing, “Hey, there is another world out there...” Until then I had only interacted with it when necessary, I didn’t actually see it. And just recently have I been able to recognize how my actions compare to those of other people. I am beginning to see what socializing is, and it’s just not natural for me. I have known I am an introvert for a long time, but my shell seemed more than just that. It was like literally being blind to so many things. I was just extremely self-focused. And only now am I beginning to realize that I can focus outside of myself. I am noticing how closed off I have been, and still am. I realize just how distant I am with people. And I can try to make an effort to get past my shyness.
Tags: autism, introversion, mental disorders
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