Log in

No account? Create an account
07 November 2005 @ 02:14 am
Dead Gardens  
I was planning on writing the whole Richaird storyline for NaNoWriMo. I went looking through old notes and old logs to try and bring myself back to the early days and recall all of the different roleplay events that went on. I wrote this a few days ago:

“Just reading through some old stuff I wrote as Celidie... Gosh, she was a smug little vixen. *snicker* Time, love, and motherhood has changed her, I suppose. I love seeing how my characters have changed over the years. Aleksey went from a naive young boy to a mature, competent leader. I hope in my story I can capture the transitions they’ve gone through.”

I wrote a little bit, but I kept wanting to search more for logs, stories, etc. that would bring me back to the past. I wanted more that could link me back to those days. I’d remember it, and I wanted to reexperience it. I found myself missing those days, the roleplay that we had. I’d wish I could log onto Feudal, but things weren’t the same anymore. And I found that disappointing, that those days were gone. So I wrote this yesterday:

“Hm.. thinking back on the old times as Celidie makes me sad... Cause I know that things will never be the same as they were back then. I’d like to write my story to help remember those times, but, meh. The old days are lost.

All the tales are told
All the orchids gone
Lost in my own world
Now I care for dead gardens

And so I began to wonder if I really should try to keep writing this story, or if it was just a vain attempt to relive the old days. And should I just let the past be the past? My story wouldn’t be exactly as things were. There were things I couldn’t remember exactly, or things which I’d intentionally take artistic liberties with. And did I want to stir up feelings of longing for the way things were? I would have the full story recorded, yes, but maybe I should just leave it in the game, leave it to the memories and the few short stories I had written as things went along.

And now... Hm... I don’t know what I want to do. I feel like I want to roleplay. I want to experience that world of fantasy, and I want to share it with people, but... I’ve logged on CoM. But when I’m there, I don’t initiate any roleplay. I don’t feel like developing my character and her history and getting to know the history of the realms. And I know that it would just be a waste of time, that there are other things I should be doing. I feel like I should be writing. If nothing else, I should finish Stareleon. I know I want to do that. But there’s something else still missing... And I don’t know what to do.
Current Mood: confusedconfused