Marianne (resplendentposy) wrote,

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Yeah... I don’t think I could be a Buddhist. Writing a paper on the idea of No Permanent Self, co-dependent origination, and Shunyata. But I like having a “self”. The idea of losing my self is scary. (Buddhists would say I’m too attached to the idea, would need to leave that behind. Attachment=suffering.) But my concept of “me” is such a fundamental part of my life. I think my fears go beyond what the Buddhists say. Of course all the aspects of me are still there, so I needn’t worry about losing who I am. Yet they say there is no “who” really. There’s no true nature, there’s only what you are at that particular moment. I hope I’m explaining this right. :)

But, the idea of no true self, no “soul”, made me think about the idea of a universal soul, a unified consciousness which we all rejoin upon death. This, too, is scary. I don’t want to lose my distinctness, my individuality. I’d much prefer existing as my Higher Self, a soul connected to others, yet with my own separate consciousness.

Of course, this leads me to think about other religions. There are so many different “ways” out there. I’m still needing to find my own. But how do you know what’s right? What if the Christian way or the Muslim way or the way I don’t want to be right is right? Are any of them right?

And then that leads me to think that the truth just isn’t knowable. Even if others are convinced it’s true, that they’ve seen evidence, how do I know they’re right? Even if I feel in my heart that it’s true, how do I know? What if our religious beliefs really are just things made up someone’s head? If they’re only created to give us a sense of comfort that we do have some clue as to what’s really going on out there.

And what if there’s nothing? :( The idea is scary, yet that sort of reinforces the thought that we created the idea of something beyond as a form of comfort. It prevents us from falling into a depressive, nihilistic state. And there are so many people out there with differing beliefs who are certain they’re right. We really don’t know anything! Did we create religions because there is something or did we create religions because we needed something?

I’m taking Comparative Religions this fall. It’ll either help me define my own spirituality or it’ll turn me into an agnostic. I might just end up so confused I say screw it all! I really wish I could just get all the answers. It’s so hard to deal with uncertainty and doubt. You have to believe something, but even stuff I was so sure about before I’ve now come to question. And then I end up questioning everything, but there’s no one with definitive answers.
Tags: philosophy, religion, spirituality, thoughts
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