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04 March 2008 @ 12:11 am
These are all the things that I've come to think I am... artistic, avoidant, beautiful, bohemian, a child of the moon, creative, curious, deep, deviant, distant, a dreamer, fragile, honest, an idealist, imaginative, indecisive, inhibited, innocent, insecure, intelligent, introverted, intuitive, a loner, lost, lovely, mature, mentally ill, mysterious, a natural beauty, nice, passive, peaceful, pretty, quiet, sad, searching, self-absorbed, self-conscious, sensitive, serene, shy, spiritual, strange, submissive, thoughtful, withdrawn, yin.

I can see that yeah, some of them are negative. I'm supposed to keep track of the things I tell myself, the thoughts that continue to reinforce my beliefs that limit me or disempower me. The thing is that if I keep telling myself that I am insecure or something like that, I'm going to feel and act insecure. And if I keep telling myself that I don't know how to do something or that I can't do something, then I'm not going to do that thing.

But, these things are also part of my self-image, my identity. I don't necessarily want to give them up, as they seem like a part of me. But that's part of the problem - that I've come to see the negative things as a part of me, as just the way I am, and I can't see myself being any other way. So yeah, it is limiting me. But... I'm scared of letting these things go.

It's strange, because I want to feel more comfortable opening up to people, and yet I'm scared of what that me will be like I guess. I feel like it isn't me maybe. But I suppose that's because I'm too attached to what I've come to see as me. Gah, this is like when I was studying Buddhism, the concept of no self, of being just a conglomerate of attributes, I don't like that! Maybe this is my Fourishness wanting an identity to latch onto. I don't know what I am if I can change anything about myself. And I like my view of myself, even though some things are difficult. But if I want things to become easier and more comfortable for me, to be more capable, I'm going to have to change some of my views.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Draco: Alonedracowayfarer on March 4th, 2008 08:05 pm (UTC)
More thoughts later, I totally empathise with your state of mind but I wanted to give you this:

We do not change by becoming that which we are not. We change by becoming more what we truly are.