It kind of makes me wonder how people see me. Do I act young? Am I always the cute and giggly one? Sweet and shy? Is that how I really am? Is it how I want to be seen?
Strange. I don't think I ever learned how to deal with people. It wasn't until college that I finally started figuring out how conversations worked, how to just chat with people. In high school I finally figured out there was this whole other world beyond myself.
I'm so much more comfortable now, but I'm still not sure I'm showing "me". Giggling is a space-filler, so that I can seem engaged with what's being said without really saying anything. I always try to be nice, to avoid disagreement and negativity. What image does that put out?
I found something I wrote a little while ago but never posted:
"You have such oceans within...
I have so much inside that I can't show to anyone. I could write novels upon novels and no one would ever realize that this was all coming from me, that I really have this much to say. People would be amazed to see so much coming from this little quiet girl. She really had all that inside her? Why didn't she ever say anything? No one ever knew that much about her.
I don't know why it's so hard for me. I don't know why I can't connect, why I just let people walk by without saying a word. Even when I see someone who I might possibly want to connect with, I can't do anything about it. I wait for people to come to me. And I'm not really sure how to appear more inviting, to show that I really am interested. And a lot of times, I'm just not. I'm just floating along, doing my own thing, no desire to reach out and meet someone new."
It seems strange to be wondering how to properly present "me". How to be myself. Well, I'm fine being myself when I'm by myself. Socializing just seems so complicated. I'm thinking maybe I should take an Interpersonal Communications class, just for my own benefit. Yeah, I think I have to take Public Speaking as a prerequisite for some classes at Metro, but I can take that when I transfer. I just think I ought to learn how to communicate better, to know what it is I'm doing. It's certainly an area for growth.