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23 May 2008 @ 03:40 am
I keep occasionally coming across profiles online of people I knew in high school. I hear about children of old family friends who are my age. They've started careers. Some have even gotten married and had children. It seems strange. I'm not there yet. People tell me that I'm still young, I have time to do these things. But I feel old and left behind. I feel like I should be at a certain point, but that... I'm not there.

My sister will have completed her Bachelor's degree by the time I finish my Associate's. Some people at work even think she's older than me. Granted, my older brother never finished a degree, but at least he's found a successful job. I plan on getting my Bachelor's and then... what? Throwing myself into the industry and hoping I find something? Somehow keep afloat by selling the books that I can't get myself to sit down and write? Neither one of those things are really stable careers.

I can't help but feel like I wasted four years of my life doing nothing but staying locked up in the house, sleeping all day, and playing Feudal Realms. Although, I did use that time overcoming depression and "finding myself," and I don't think that I would have been ready then to do some of the things that I'm doing now. Maybe I needed that developmental stage. But I still feel like, had I been motivated enough, I could have gotten to this point a lot quicker. And I feel like I'm behind other people. Although I suppose I've had time to figure some things out that other people wait their whole lives to do. But... am I really that much more wise, when there is so much "real world" knowledge that I'm ignorant of? Does anyone even appreciate what I see? Will I ever be able to show anyone?

I don't know where I should start. I'm going for a degree because I think that will help me with training and knowledge and better prepare me for what lies ahead. But what lies ahead? I feel like I don't have time with schoolwork to work on my stories or to get involved in theatre and film. Will I do those things once I'm finished with school? I feel like, by then, even more time will have passed, and I'll be trying to catch up. I look at other people who are achieving successes in these fields and I wonder how they did it. I feel like I'm doing these things to prepare myself, while other people have already done it. Do I need to just jump in, to do it? I don't know how... Or I think I'm not prepared, and I'm afraid of failing. I don't have the confidence in myself. I need someone to direct me and tell me what steps to take. I know where I want to be, but how do I get there?
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fl0werchyldefl0werchylde on May 24th, 2008 04:09 am (UTC)
One thing's for sure... dwelling on past mistakes won't give you hope for the future. Everyone has their own path to take, I think.