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05 July 2008 @ 02:28 am
I never claimed to be a hero. I never claimed to be an honest soul, to be righteous and honorable. I never learned to be these things. I never cared to. I have merely done unto others what has been done to me. I never knew innocence. I can't recall what it means. I suppose there was a time when I was innocent. A time I can no longer remember. I try to think back on that time... and I see my mother. I remember her vaguely. Alenia was her name. I remember her face, her fine auburn hair which I inherited. Her eyes were kind, but she was always sad. And afraid.

She feared my father. And loved him. I remember him too. I saw him rarely, but I remember his eyes, which I also inherited. Cold and blue like ice. I see his gaze in mine. I remember his sting. Hard and cruel and accompanied by my mother's screams and my tears. I think of him and think of pain. And fear. And now hatred. I was too young to hate him then. I didn't understand. I only knew that his presence meant beatings and my mother's futile attempts to protect me from him.

It was because of me that he killed her. Or so I thought for a very long time. But it wasn't because of me. It was because he was a drunken son-of-a-bitch who took advantage of her love. Her love for him and for me. He killed her because he was a killer--heartless, selfish, and hateful.

And so am I.

Hm. Dunno what prompted that. Thinking of the intro of The Maverick, I suppose. Actually, I just went back and read what I had written for a beginning. I knew there was the innocence thing, but I had written about a "hero" too. And I think on FR Sathiel said something about never claiming to be honorable. I'm thinking I should redo his journal as a place to develop my novel, but I'm not yet ready to start actively working on it. Shall have to research publishers for Stareleon first and send that in. And I was thinking of writing a fleshed out version of Dominion and Dionae's story called The Fall of Dominion. And maybe another children's book. And, of course, homework shall have to take precedence over all that.

This semester is flying. Have to present a couple of speeches next week. And the week after that, we're heading out to Las Vegas for a family reunion and multiple birthday celebrations. Have to have all the costumes ready to present before we go too. I'll have til the 30th for any fixes/last minute things, but it'll still be tight. Will have to take it one thing at a time I guess.