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01 January 2010 @ 10:12 pm
Twelve tolls for a new day...  
I wrote this a year ago but never posted it... Thought I would do so for posterity I guess. I've been looking at it every time I open up the Word document I have for notes for the year. I think this past year has especially been one of change for me, of growing more confident. Though I do still find myself wondering at times whether I'm on the right path, if I'm taking the right steps.

"Silently we wander...

So, most people... they don't know what they're doing, right? There is no set course, they just kind of find their way. But I feel so lost... Like everyone has found something to guide them forward, and I'm still just wandering. I don't know that I'm ready to forge my own path. I'm hesitant and afraid of what lies ahead. Holding on to what's safe, though it's not really pushing me to where I want to be.

I suppose I have gotten somewhere. Before I was just dreaming. Then I thought I should take an acting class. Now I have a degree in Theatre. I suppose that's something. But is it the right path? What is? Maybe I'll keep going with school because I'm not ready to face the real world. But then I'll be sad that I haven't gotten closer to attaining that dream. Just taking up time hiding... But when you're hiding, no one can see you shine...

I don't know why I'm so afraid. I don't think that I can handle it maybe. Exceeds my coping abilities. She can only deal with so much. But even though it's hard, even though it hurts, you have to push through it. But I don't want it to hurt. I don't want to face that, knowing how hard it will be. I want to stay where it's safe, where I don't have to pretend, where I can be my vulnerable self and not be afraid of being hurt. I don't want to pretend to be confident and strong and secure and outgoing. I'm not. I just want to be me. I just want to be appreciated... for being me.

I am a divine dreamer
But I am not the chosen one
I know not where my path leads me
I know not when I am done
I'll linger here a little longer
Waiting for some sign of God
If it comes, I'll find my fate
If not, I'll linger on

One huge thing for me this past year has been feeling more comfortable just talking to people, having conversations with people that I may not even know that well. I've been putting things out there more rather than holding back. I've been expressing my opinions more rather than being afraid of what other people will think. I've been showing a little more of myself, being more myself outside of my comfortable inner sanctum. It still feels uncomfortable at times, but I'm reaching out a little more. I think it's that confidence in myself, who I am, that I have value. I'm not as afraid of being rejected.

And I know that I don't have to be reaching out all the time. Sometimes I just want to retreat into myself and ignore the world around me. And that's okay. I need that I think. I don't have to become someone completely different, someone completely outgoing. I just want to be more comfortable being me. And yes, "me" is silly with an interesting sense of humor and makes odd banter while competing in xbox games. ;) "Me" has many more dimensions than I often show. I think I want to be known for who I am completely, and I am slowly working on bringing all of those parts of me to light.

I started acting workshops at FRAS a year ago. I think that has been invaluable in transitioning to tv/film work and understanding how this business works. I have a direction to go with in my acting. Though I do still find myself wondering if I'm ready to take the next step. I procrastinate rather than seeking out and jumping at new opportunities. I wonder if it's because I'm afraid of how I will measure up, afraid that I won't have what it takes. I would rather stick to the art than get involved with the business. But the business is a necessary evil. You have to be seen, you have to involve yourself and make opportunities so that you can do the art. Hopefully I can grow more comfortable with engaging in that side of things.

My writing has been another long-term goal of mine, but another frustration. I want to have my books written, to see them on the shelf, to have others read them. But I can't get myself to sit down and write them. I wonder why that's been so hard for me, what I have to do to discipline myself. Too many other things to distract myself with maybe, things that have immediate gratification, rather than just being a tiny little step towards reaching a goal 100,000 words away... This is something I will have to change though. It's hard to call oneself a writer when one doesn't write. And I do want to bring my stories to life so that others can see them. I want to get them out of my head and onto the page.

So I guess those are still my biggest goals: career. I want to accomplish something. I want to feel like I'm using the time I've been given rather than wasting it away. I want to be going somewhere, getting closer to my goals. I need to figure out how to put myself into action. I think inertia has been one of my hardest things to overcome. Transitioning, getting done what needs to get done despite the fact that I don't really feel like it. I think if I can figure that out, it will solve a lot of the frustration I have. And hopefully I will see my progress and realize that it's a good thing, that I'm not sacrificing anything, it is to my advantage.

I'm glad for the growth I've had this past year. I feel like I am slowly getting something done, working towards my goals. Here's hoping for a successful new year with even more progress...

What does the winter bring
If not yet another spring?