To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
That old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
I talked to Joe alot today. About... stuff. Recently, I've been feeling very upset about things on Feudal Realms. Just.. stupid people. I wrote a long note about it too. Maybe it will help, but I doubt it, so I will have to keep true to myself that the next time someone does something stupid, I will come down on them. I've really been too nice in the past.
So... I got upset tonight, because I was getting kicked off the internet every ten minutes, and it has only now finally stopped. Plus, things in the game weren't exactly peachy, and my dad wasn't listening to me. So, I stressed out, and broke a few keys on my keyboard, then took that out on myself. I really don't like feeling upset... it makes me hate myself.
I have a few long cuts on my left forearm now, but it's nothing serious. One is probably the deepest I've ever cut myself, but it's still barely beneath the surface. I'm not really sure why I do it... The first time was about a year ago. I just feel like there's something wrong with me, and I have no other way to express that except to hurt myself.
I thought maybe I did it to gain attention. Like... look, there's something wrong with me, I slit my wrists, I'm special... But I always try to hide it. Like tonight when my mom came home, I kept my arm under the table so she wouldn't see. I guess I don't want people to worry about me... but I think I need help, and want to talk to people. I suppose that doesn't really make sense...
Whenever I am depressed, I always feel better afterwards. It's kind of disappointing I guess... I always try to assess a situation, like why am I feeling this way? And when I feel better, I feel like I haven't gotten everything out of that moment, and thinking back on my feelings doesn't have the same affect as actually feeling them. So I let them go, but they're always still there the next time I am depressed. It's so hard to understand...
On the good side, my keyboard is fixed, and the Avalanche won tonight 4-0. So, we're moving on to the second round, whee. Yet I somehow knew that they would win... Weird... But of course, the Avs must always win. Because they are awesome. Anyway, I will see how I feel tomorrow.. or, later today I guess. Right now, I will work on some history stuff for Feudal Realms. I'm in a writing mood...
And if I close my mind in fear, please pry it open
And if my face becomes sincere, beware
And when I start to come undone, stitch me together
And when you see me strut, remind me of what left this outlaw torn