Marianne (resplendentposy) wrote,

It gets better

"It gets better." I've noticed this message and other messages of hope and support put out in the wake of the suicides of several gay teens. It's made me reflect back on my own personal struggles and how much has changed since then. Whether you're gay or not, bullied or not, we all can experience dark times in our lives. It can feel terrible and inescapable, but you can break free. It gets better.

Looking back through one of my old journals, I found an entry dated 6-7-02, in the midst of my depression, in which I had a revelation that I was going to die by suicide. Thought about posting the whole thing, but it is rather personal. Here is an excerpt:

"I don't want to hurt anyone... I just don't know what to do. I've wasted so much already. I can't see myself going anywhere in the future. I have so many dreams that can't come true. So many impossible fantasies that I've wasted time hoping for..."

Eight years later I am achieving the dreams I could once only wish for. I am in movies. I have an imdb page. I have my Associate's degree and I'm two semesters away from getting my Bachelor's. I see a future. I see freedom and open doors. I feel so much more self-confident. I am doing things I simply could not have done back then.

It is hard to believe that I could go from where I was before, feeling so utterly dark and hopeless, to where I am now. I have made an amazing transformation socially, mentally. And most importantly, I am still here to experience this change, to see my dreams fulfilled. No matter how dark it may seem, it is possible to break free. It gets better. <3
Tags: expressive, mental disorders, past, self
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