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10 August 2002 @ 03:18 am
I have nothing to do.

I can't get any of the new eq I need as any of my chars, because it's too hard for me to solo, and no one will help me get it because they don't know who I play, and could care less about people they don't know. It took me over an hour to solo Din last night as a necro... And I won't even attempt the nature sanctuary as a thief.

I have no one to roleplay with. Like I said, people just don't care... And most of my characters are loners anyway, so there's not much I can do. I've improvised a way to bring back one of my chars, whom I can no longer mention because of you silly FR's who have me on your friends lists. So maybe it will be more fun once she's back, but I somehow see myself in the exact same place where I am now...

Rob showed me a picture of Azaeruil earlier (Well, his drow personification at least). I still miss that adorable, slightly insane, blue-haired elf... And this causes a new wave of thoughts about why I still feel this way, and why haven't I learned anything from this, and why did I let myself get caught up in it in the first place, etc. etc... You need to learn to let it go, Azaeruil... Perhaps I, myself, should take that advice...

I lack the motivation to write. The only thing I have been interested in is the story of one of my characters, yet even that hasn't gotten very far. And it won't go far... So I wonder if I should give it up and start working on my fantasy story. But I just don't have the desire to do that...

And so I hide away in my head, because there is the only place where everything is perfect. There, I don't have to be frightened, or ashamed, or lonely... There, I don't have to chase after lost dreams, because they are all right there in front of me. I don't have to worry about keeping other people happy while being true to myself. I have the freedom that I have always wanted.

And it hurts to look at reality and see all that I really am...

She stares at the ceiling and tries not to think
And pictures the chain she's been trying to link again
But the feeling is gone
And water can't cover her memory
And ashes can't answer her pain
God give me the power to take breath from a breeze
And call life from a cold metal frame

In with the ashes
Or up with the smoke from the fire
With wings up in heaven
Or here, lying in bed
Palm of her hand to my head
Now, and forever curled
In my heart and the heart of the world
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Dream Theater - Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence
Vickiemelopene on August 10th, 2002 04:06 am (UTC)
I have been asked..

They don't just want me to be an imm. They want me to be an owner.

Dammit, Marianna, its the best fucking thing I've fallen into in my life. Should I devote to it?
Marianneresplendentposy on August 10th, 2002 05:05 am (UTC)
If you want to...
Vickiemelopene on August 10th, 2002 05:28 am (UTC)
dah. I think I'm there. Lurve. I miss having you around... come rp with sometime.. *hugs*