Marianne (resplendentposy) wrote,

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My Inner Thoughts

I don't know what I want. There's so much going through my head. I want to feel loved, and to feel special, by a special someone. I don't know why I like Rob. He's really not the kind of person I want to be with, and he doesn't seem to care at all for me. But for some reason I want him to like me, and I do things especially so that he won't think any less of me. I don't know why I chase things that aren't right for me...

I feel like everything that I am is going to waste... I feel like such a failure. I try so hard to be perfect and to have everything that others have, yet I'm so lost... I have no friends. I have no real life. I don't know who I am. I just want to be that special girl. I want to be unique and loved. I don't know where I'm going in life...

I need help. I want help so much. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I can't stand to see all this go to waste. I feel like I'm fading away. I want to be happy. I don't want to be fake anymore. I wish I could find what I want... Everyone else is so happy. But even when I'm happy, I feel like I'm denying who I really am. And these feelings always come back. I'm always depressed.

How can people live their lives? I don't know what's wrong with me... And I keep trying to perfect myself, and then I realize that it doesn't make a difference. I am the perfect girl. So why isn't everything perfect for me? I don't know what to do... And tomorrow everything will be fine. And I'll continue living my life, trying to be what I for some reason cannot be. And I'll play Aerydais because I think it will make Rob like me, and I won't say anything when I feel upset, and I'll go along with what people say because they, of course, know better.

And I'll disappear...

There's no one to take my blame
If they wanted to
There's nothing to keep me sane
And it's all the same to you
There's nowhere to set my aim
So I'm everywhere
Never come near me again
Do you really think I need you?

I'll never be open
I can never be open again

And I'll smile and I'll learn to pretend
And I'll never be open again
And I'll have no more dreams to defend
And I'll never be open again
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