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04 May 2002 @ 02:36 am
My Inner Thoughts  
I don't know what I want. There's so much going through my head. I want to feel loved, and to feel special, by a special someone. I don't know why I like Rob. He's really not the kind of person I want to be with, and he doesn't seem to care at all for me. But for some reason I want him to like me, and I do things especially so that he won't think any less of me. I don't know why I chase things that aren't right for me...

I feel like everything that I am is going to waste... I feel like such a failure. I try so hard to be perfect and to have everything that others have, yet I'm so lost... I have no friends. I have no real life. I don't know who I am. I just want to be that special girl. I want to be unique and loved. I don't know where I'm going in life...

I need help. I want help so much. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I can't stand to see all this go to waste. I feel like I'm fading away. I want to be happy. I don't want to be fake anymore. I wish I could find what I want... Everyone else is so happy. But even when I'm happy, I feel like I'm denying who I really am. And these feelings always come back. I'm always depressed.

How can people live their lives? I don't know what's wrong with me... And I keep trying to perfect myself, and then I realize that it doesn't make a difference. I am the perfect girl. So why isn't everything perfect for me? I don't know what to do... And tomorrow everything will be fine. And I'll continue living my life, trying to be what I for some reason cannot be. And I'll play Aerydais because I think it will make Rob like me, and I won't say anything when I feel upset, and I'll go along with what people say because they, of course, know better.

And I'll disappear...


There's no one to take my blame
If they wanted to
There's nothing to keep me sane
And it's all the same to you
There's nowhere to set my aim
So I'm everywhere
Never come near me again
Do you really think I need you?

I'll never be open
I can never be open again

And I'll smile and I'll learn to pretend
And I'll never be open again
And I'll have no more dreams to defend
And I'll never be open again
 
 
Current Mood: lost, confused, hopeless
Current Music: Dream Theater - Misunderstood
 
 
 
(Anonymous) on May 4th, 2002 06:37 am (UTC)

You forgot one category to mention in that, Marianne. You forgot the people that care for you. Your family, and although you don't consider them friends, those people online that try to make you feel better and share with you. Don't overlook the most important people out of the groups you see. Rob? Who is Rob? He's just some guy that plays online text games with all of his spare time, he works just so he has a place to sleep, food to eat, and an internet connection to play games. For all you know he could be an ugly, skinny nerd, or an ugly, fat nerd, or a handsome, strong gentleman, or any other combination with any other traits you can think of. Is he really who he portrays himself as through characters or through OOC messages? Who's to say?

You are cared for, and you are considered a friend by people, and you have people you can talk to whenever you want.

Just remember that you are a perfect girl, and a perfect girl knows what's best for herself and everybody else can only guess, for they aren't perfect, just you.

~A splendiferous blossom
mimi_four on April 29th, 2005 10:02 am (UTC)
I exactly know what you mean..
If it makes you feel any better, I don't have any friends too and sometimes I feel very lonely and depressed too. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not good enough for people to care :S

I hope you don't mind I wander through your past comments. You sound a wonderful person to me ;)

Hug,
MiMi