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26 February 2003 @ 10:16 pm
My mom recently got an email from one of my friends who I haven't seen in two years. My mom helped work with the church youth group, and that's where I knew him from. He wrote:

"My my my, it's been a mighty long time since we last spoke. How's everything? How are the kids? How's the whole fam? What's everone doing? I need answers! As far as what I'm up to. Hmmm... I tell ya I'm a busy fella. I work at my school and am enjoying nearly every moment of my studies in film. I sometimes think of you wondering if you're still writing for the screen. I've fallen in love with a mighty fine girl and I spend a lot of time with her as well. I've also just realized that I can type really really fast. Hope to see ya sometime soon. Tell everyone hi."

Also, apparently one of my friends from high school is going to be getting married. How weird is that? She's only 19 too.

I guess I kind of miss having people to just be with, though I never did much with any of them anyway. *needs a collection of new friends* Though I'm terrible at meeting people, and I wouldn't really know where to start. And I still have that sort of fear about being out there with all kinds of people. It's so hard to just be myself...

I think I've gotten too used to solitude. I'm afraid of changing the routine I've forged for myself. But it has to change sometime. I have to go out into the world someday. ..Right? I'm not sure why I'm so apprehensive. Maybe it's because I'm not sure that such a change would satisfy me. I don't know what will make me happy. I want to feel that sense of connection, but I wonder if, once I attain it, it will be all that I had hoped it would be...

So much confusion... I just want to know all the answers. I just want to feel as though I fit in. I feel myself longing more and more for type Fours' inner desire - to have people recognize me for who I am, and appreciate and cherish me for that. Yet they cannot see me for who I am if I am constantly hiding my inner self. But I am so afraid of revealing myself to them... I'm walking around in endless circles...

If the key is getting over this unshakable fear, how do I do that? How do I be myself? And no, it's not as easy as just doing it, like breathing. Because instead of just doing it, I just.. don't do it. It's more like telling myself to fly when I've gotten so used to just walking. But you say flying is impossible, and being yourself isn't. Well.. have you ever tried to fly? Maybe it could work, but you're so afraid that you might fall. Now you see how I feel...
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Soul to Squeeze
rsthisismychaos on March 1st, 2003 07:58 pm (UTC)
I can empathise with the bit about being bad at meeting people, often I see people at a distance and think I'd like to know them, but I'm not entirely sure how I get to know anyone, it just occasionally happens, and I can't seem to figure out how to do it again for ages. Generally I just try and go out and do stuff I enjoy doing and hope to go on from there, maybe we put too much pressure on ourselves to do it directly. To use a certain metaphor, if you're dreaming and you find yourself flying maybe you can forget the fear of falling. Just some random thoughts from an unqualified passer by.

take care, rs.