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05 July 2003 @ 07:12 pm
I don’t let alot of people into my life. Probably because I don’t think that they would understand. I don’t make a large effort to learn about other people, even the people who I am interested in. Why is this? I’m not really sure. I think that I’m just a very private person, and I don’t want to intrude in others’ lives, or I am nervous about what they will think, or else I would rather make up my own personalities and characteristics for them.

I try hard to be honest, and to be true to myself, and I cannot stand feeling “fake”. I have thought that I am too trusting, because it’s not in my nature to be suspicious of other people. I assume that they are being honest with me. Though a large number of human beings have no regard for honesty, and will do or say whatever pleases them at that particular moment, with no regard for how it might affect other people. This is telling me that I should not be so trusting, and that I should be suspicious of other people until they prove themselves otherwise. Yet that feels so out of place for me...

I could just go right out and ask someone if they are being honest with me. Yet there is so much which keeps me from that step. So many different situations are contemplated in my mind. What if their deceit is unintentional? What if they will lie about their honesty? What if they are, in fact, telling the truth? In essence, I will be no closer to the true answer than I am at this moment, and what would the consequences of my actions be? I could suffer embarrasment, or even lose a potential friend. And the suspicion will still linger...

I think far too much. And I wonder if it is necessary. A part of me just wants to forget it all and continue on in my blissful ignorance. Yet the suspicion will not fade... Well, what are the consequences of deceit? It makes me more vulnerable than I already am. I lose that sense of trust, a wonderful reminder of innocence. And I feel more lost, because I don’t know who to believe. I don’t know if there are more out there leading me in the wrong directions, even if done unintentionally.

Trust thyself. How I wish I had somewhere else to turn... I am the most reliable asset to myself. Yet it seems so hard to find the answers on my own...
Cas: blondques_nova on July 5th, 2003 09:13 pm (UTC)
*smiles and hugs*
Alainbelgiandom on August 14th, 2003 07:42 am (UTC)
You don't care about getting to know other people... or you're afraid that if you get to know them, they'll expect to be able to get to know you?